My brain is a crazy place. It's like there's a constant raging echo going on in my brain that I focus on the now and my surroundings rather than how I'm really feeling. My feelings get pushed aside continually instead of being reflected upon. I know that's not healthy so I'm going to try to sit down more and clear my brain to analyze things...so here's an attempt.
There's a lot of things I'm scared about. One being that I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with my life. But this is the least of my worries as I do have some time to figure this out. My goal is just to get through college first.
I'm worried about some of the things going on in my friends' lives. I'm not sure how to help some of them, and I really wish I could.
My greatest worry is about my family. Sure we have some money problems right now but that's trivial. I'm worried about my brother. I'm worried he's hanging out with the wrong kids, that he's smoking pot and drinking. I'm worried about how violent my dad and Brandon are starting to become, that Brandon is going to resort to doing something crazy because of how crappy my father makes Brandon feel. That he's going to cling to something like the marines because he seeks some sort of discipline in his life and then going to get hurt in the war. I'm worried about how my family seems to be falling apart. That my parents are on completely different pages and if my dad gets his promotion and has to move up north, that my mom is going to use it as an excuse to get a divorce. I just feel like I'm the only one trying to cling to the fraying pieces of the family and hold it together. All this is really weighing down on me and these days I'm trying to spend my free time with my family...I'm just tired. My brain is tired.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
LOL dreams of cops
I woke up this morning at 4 and was horribly disappointed since I didn't have to be up til 7:30. So I tried to force myself to go back to sleep....this is when I usually dream.
I had 2 dreams right after each other.
The first dream I'm already starting to forget even though it was much cooler than the second one. LOL horrible physics labs will do that to your brain. I'll edit this if I remember it.
The second dream, I was driving on Van Buren, going past Washington when I got pulled over. I didn't understand why as I was going 55 and it was in a zone for 50 having just come from a 55 zone. The cop pulls me over, looking remarkably like my Bio Chem professor in his halloween costume. I roll down the window, he pulls down his glasses and proceeds to tell me about how he's having a bad day so he's taking it out on me, and how he's going to be a jerk and write me a ticket even though I wasn't doing anything wrong....LOL probably reflecting how I've been feeling about my tickets as of late.
I had 2 dreams right after each other.
The first dream I'm already starting to forget even though it was much cooler than the second one. LOL horrible physics labs will do that to your brain. I'll edit this if I remember it.
The second dream, I was driving on Van Buren, going past Washington when I got pulled over. I didn't understand why as I was going 55 and it was in a zone for 50 having just come from a 55 zone. The cop pulls me over, looking remarkably like my Bio Chem professor in his halloween costume. I roll down the window, he pulls down his glasses and proceeds to tell me about how he's having a bad day so he's taking it out on me, and how he's going to be a jerk and write me a ticket even though I wasn't doing anything wrong....LOL probably reflecting how I've been feeling about my tickets as of late.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
What I'd like to see come out of 2009
1. I want to develop my relationship with God even more. Work on giving Him more and more control over my life.
2. I want to grow ever closer to Jad, strengthen our bond, fall more and more in love with him, and continue to have amazing fun! I also want to spend more US time.
3. I want to continue to do well in college and work better at the balance between hanging with my friends and school work, trying not to let either suffer.
4. I want to try to get back into community service. I really miss getting my hands dirty and helping people.
5. I want to grow closer to my friends and family, building lasting relations with them.
6. Turn 21...don't think that'll be too hard. haha.
Some of my more unrealistic goals:
1. Learn French
2. Learn guitar
3. Learn to cook
4. Finally lose the weight I've been wanting to get off
I have a lot of hope for 2009. I'm looking forward to a fun year filled with lots of crazy adventures with my amazing friends!
2. I want to grow ever closer to Jad, strengthen our bond, fall more and more in love with him, and continue to have amazing fun! I also want to spend more US time.
3. I want to continue to do well in college and work better at the balance between hanging with my friends and school work, trying not to let either suffer.
4. I want to try to get back into community service. I really miss getting my hands dirty and helping people.
5. I want to grow closer to my friends and family, building lasting relations with them.
6. Turn 21...don't think that'll be too hard. haha.
Some of my more unrealistic goals:
1. Learn French
2. Learn guitar
3. Learn to cook
4. Finally lose the weight I've been wanting to get off
I have a lot of hope for 2009. I'm looking forward to a fun year filled with lots of crazy adventures with my amazing friends!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My acting debut....a dream!
Haha so last night I had a pretty fun dream!
It started off with me going to work with Jad today. He's an actor and is playing a soldier in the new WWII HBO serioes "The Pacific." So I went to work with him and he's carted off to go get changed and I'm just hanging around on set admiring the props when I hear Jad's excited voice "My girlfriend! She's over there!". Next I know I'm being scrutinized by this small redheaded friendly woman, who after giving me the once over smiles and tells me that "I'm perfect, you're lovely and most importantly you're the right height!" She then asks me how I feel about falling on one of those puffy air things....terror.
My friends know that I'm afraid of falling, haha so I was also very skeptical in my dream. I told her that I could try. So she puts me in this padded suit and I'm fearing the worst, like she wants me to jump off a building or something. But as I'm standing there, she comes up to me and pushes me (while I'm standing on the ground), and I fall into the poofy thing. LOL I was just supposed to fall on my back for a punching scene.
Fears aside I agreed to do the scene. So as we're walking she's flipping through their wardrobe catalog of 40's things and she stops on a little khaki sailor outfit with a REALLY short skirt. haha I do everything I can to dissuade the woman that it would look horrible on me, but she tells me that we'll see what the head seamstress would think.
We duck our heads into this little shop, and a woman my height ( a rare thing in this dream 'cause every other woman is really short!), comes up to me from behind and makes me square my shoulders and the scrutinizing game begins anew. After much girly talk a 40's elegant cocktail dress is chosen and I'm shipped off to hair and make up where I get my 40's haircut.
As I'm walking back to set they're describing the scene to me and I can visualize it in my head. I'm in my evening dress and it's pouring rain, I get into a huge fight outside with my jerk of a boyfriend and he hits me....I fall over and twist my ankle as my heel slips out from under me (I knew those things were evil). As I'm sitting there in the rain trying not to cry, to steal from my now "ex" the satisfaction, arms wrap around my shoulders and an "American" soldier asks me if I'm alright. He then proceeds to teach my "ex" some manners, and then an illustrious love story happens between my character and the American soldier.
They ask me what I think of the scene, and while yes it sounds a little cliche, haha I told them I can do it and that I know the perfect "soldier". LOL so that's how I help Jad get his first big role...
The dream was going to continue but my alarm woke me up....sadness! But it was a really fun dream!
It started off with me going to work with Jad today. He's an actor and is playing a soldier in the new WWII HBO serioes "The Pacific." So I went to work with him and he's carted off to go get changed and I'm just hanging around on set admiring the props when I hear Jad's excited voice "My girlfriend! She's over there!". Next I know I'm being scrutinized by this small redheaded friendly woman, who after giving me the once over smiles and tells me that "I'm perfect, you're lovely and most importantly you're the right height!" She then asks me how I feel about falling on one of those puffy air things....terror.
My friends know that I'm afraid of falling, haha so I was also very skeptical in my dream. I told her that I could try. So she puts me in this padded suit and I'm fearing the worst, like she wants me to jump off a building or something. But as I'm standing there, she comes up to me and pushes me (while I'm standing on the ground), and I fall into the poofy thing. LOL I was just supposed to fall on my back for a punching scene.
Fears aside I agreed to do the scene. So as we're walking she's flipping through their wardrobe catalog of 40's things and she stops on a little khaki sailor outfit with a REALLY short skirt. haha I do everything I can to dissuade the woman that it would look horrible on me, but she tells me that we'll see what the head seamstress would think.
We duck our heads into this little shop, and a woman my height ( a rare thing in this dream 'cause every other woman is really short!), comes up to me from behind and makes me square my shoulders and the scrutinizing game begins anew. After much girly talk a 40's elegant cocktail dress is chosen and I'm shipped off to hair and make up where I get my 40's haircut.
As I'm walking back to set they're describing the scene to me and I can visualize it in my head. I'm in my evening dress and it's pouring rain, I get into a huge fight outside with my jerk of a boyfriend and he hits me....I fall over and twist my ankle as my heel slips out from under me (I knew those things were evil). As I'm sitting there in the rain trying not to cry, to steal from my now "ex" the satisfaction, arms wrap around my shoulders and an "American" soldier asks me if I'm alright. He then proceeds to teach my "ex" some manners, and then an illustrious love story happens between my character and the American soldier.
They ask me what I think of the scene, and while yes it sounds a little cliche, haha I told them I can do it and that I know the perfect "soldier". LOL so that's how I help Jad get his first big role...
The dream was going to continue but my alarm woke me up....sadness! But it was a really fun dream!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Reflections
Sometimes you don't realize how active God is in your life until you look back on your day. Today was one of those days. God probably saved my life today and I didn't even realize until hours later.....this was my morning.
I was leaving my house exactly on time this morning for school 7:10am. As I turn on my car, an emergency light comes on and my car starts beeping at me. A little alarmed I take a few extra minutes to pull out my owner's manual and see that the little light means that one of my tires has low pressure. I get out to give my car a quick glance and don't really see what the problem is. I decide that my car is good enough to drive on, but I take things easy and go the speed limit. Upon turning onto Trautwein this morning a fire truck barrels through with its sirens blaring and as I get to Alessandro I see a terrible car accident that had 3 lanes narrowed down into 1. The accident had literally happened moments before, probably exactly the 8 extra minutes that it took me to flip through my car manual and take it easy on my car. I thought nothing of it at the time, just said a quick prayer for the people who were in the accident who were being carted off in a hurry in ambulances. It hit me when I returned to my car after a day at school, I turn on my car and the light doesn't come on. No annoying peep, no flashing yellow light...nothing.
I honestly and truly believe that I would have been in that horrific accident this morning if not for that little light that popped on in my car. And for the light to turn off when I get in my car again, as if it wasn't needed in the first place allowed me to realize that God's not done with me yet. God really is good!
I was leaving my house exactly on time this morning for school 7:10am. As I turn on my car, an emergency light comes on and my car starts beeping at me. A little alarmed I take a few extra minutes to pull out my owner's manual and see that the little light means that one of my tires has low pressure. I get out to give my car a quick glance and don't really see what the problem is. I decide that my car is good enough to drive on, but I take things easy and go the speed limit. Upon turning onto Trautwein this morning a fire truck barrels through with its sirens blaring and as I get to Alessandro I see a terrible car accident that had 3 lanes narrowed down into 1. The accident had literally happened moments before, probably exactly the 8 extra minutes that it took me to flip through my car manual and take it easy on my car. I thought nothing of it at the time, just said a quick prayer for the people who were in the accident who were being carted off in a hurry in ambulances. It hit me when I returned to my car after a day at school, I turn on my car and the light doesn't come on. No annoying peep, no flashing yellow light...nothing.
I honestly and truly believe that I would have been in that horrific accident this morning if not for that little light that popped on in my car. And for the light to turn off when I get in my car again, as if it wasn't needed in the first place allowed me to realize that God's not done with me yet. God really is good!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Source Analyzing + Sleep = WTH?
Last night was a completely bittersweet evening. I got to spend time with my sister and a boy who I love like a brother. We laughed like no other, took pictures like mad, and even recorded a video together. But this was all done to the bittersweet atmosphere of him being deployed to Japan for the next 2 years. I really do love that boy, and I can't be more proud of my airman brother.
Whit and I got home really late into the evening, but it was totally worth it! LOL one little minor detail was that we both had papers to write. I had to analyze my primary sources and answer all the Who/What/Where/When/Why/Sig/Historical context/background....for each of my sources. Well when I woke up this morning I read over what I wrote. The first one was pretty good, a little weak since I just wanted to get it over with and go to bed, but the second one......
All I can say is that I didn't know that I could type in my sleep, haha and with almost zero typos haha!
Here's a copy of the second source analysis....
First Deposition and Banning of Henry IV
Who: Gregory VII, pope
Who was the intended audience: His audience was that of Gregory VII
Why was it written: He wrote the letter originally to Gregory VII. This book was written to heal the happy couple out of wedlock. He felt that a flat tire would hurt, it's usually a painful process.
The agenda: are pretty straight forward in our classes even though what we're doing has sufficient funds.
The author seems to be set up that way. Most of the reasons that the people had to smile is that we know we like PBJ?
Who: The pope came from a little bit of humbler country. The music was fantastica also!!
Who: Gregory VII, the pope at the time, was influential and rich.
Historical Contest: Very much the same thing as the Deposition letter. At this point we're in a war against Afghanistan.
So we've all established that I should blog more in my sleep...
Whit and I got home really late into the evening, but it was totally worth it! LOL one little minor detail was that we both had papers to write. I had to analyze my primary sources and answer all the Who/What/Where/When/Why/Sig/Historical context/background....for each of my sources. Well when I woke up this morning I read over what I wrote. The first one was pretty good, a little weak since I just wanted to get it over with and go to bed, but the second one......
All I can say is that I didn't know that I could type in my sleep, haha and with almost zero typos haha!
Here's a copy of the second source analysis....
First Deposition and Banning of Henry IV
Who: Gregory VII, pope
Who was the intended audience: His audience was that of Gregory VII
Why was it written: He wrote the letter originally to Gregory VII. This book was written to heal the happy couple out of wedlock. He felt that a flat tire would hurt, it's usually a painful process.
The agenda: are pretty straight forward in our classes even though what we're doing has sufficient funds.
The author seems to be set up that way. Most of the reasons that the people had to smile is that we know we like PBJ?
Who: The pope came from a little bit of humbler country. The music was fantastica also!!
Who: Gregory VII, the pope at the time, was influential and rich.
Historical Contest: Very much the same thing as the Deposition letter. At this point we're in a war against Afghanistan.
So we've all established that I should blog more in my sleep...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Strange strange dreams and scrabble gone wrong
I'm currently in Northern California right now visiting one of my dearest friends. So last night Lida wanted to play Scrabble with us and her roommates. LOL an important detail to this story is that all of her roommates are guys....yeah...
The ladies had words like mentions, indicted, and I even got to use JEDI! Heck yes! Haha the true sign of a nerd. The boys on the other hand....cunt, n*ggers, farted, homo, wang, wop, and yeah....hahah like I said, we were playing against the boys. The ladies won by a measly 125 points, Huzzah!
LOL the guys are a lot of fun to hang around up here, but it does make a girl thankful for her own boys....I realized how much they tone it down for me. I love you guys!!!
............................................................................................................................................................................
Haha so on to my crazy dream!
I don't exactly remember how it started, but we were gearing up for war, and it was some medieval battle taking place in the modern world. I equipped myself with a dagger in the left hand and a short sword in the right, which is strangely similar to my D&D character...hmm. LOL, but my whole family plus others who I didn't know, but they were on our side, ride on horses through a forest (me with my dagger in hand at all times) to this parking lot with all these cars in it, because for some reason that's where we decided to make our stand.
We wait in silence, the anticipation building, and then all hell breaks loose! The enemies arrive in an explosion and the next thing I know a car and a ginormous plushy bounce house which was mostly deflated are flying in the air towards me and so I dive out of the way and greatly enough the cover I find myself under is a full gas truck....yeah brilliant. Thankfully it didn't explode upon impact, but it starts leaking. So I'm like drowning in gasoline and underinflated jumpy, struggling to get out. I finally am able to get out and then the enemy is upon me.
The first guy to approach me, I parry with my dagger and then slice off his head with my short sword. This was a very graphic head slicing. I remember feeling my sword break through his neck bones. Yeah pretty lovely. I fight off attacker after attacker and then see my mom and brother. I yell at them to fall back and so everyone ends up inside of a building which happens to be a launder mat. Yeah random I know. So we've barracaded ourselves behind washing machines at the front door. The enemy begins funneling through, which works to our advantage perfectly. Then out of the corner of my eye I notice a side door that everyone has overlooked and a few goons are coming through. They're easily dispatched, but in walks this woman in some really tough looking fighting leathers. She had two fighting daggers drawn and in the ready with a sick devious smile. I don't remember her face all that clearly, but she seemed to be my alter ego. A sick smirk came on her face as she was drawn to me.
She makes the first strike and slashes at me with her right dagger, which I block with my left and it becomes a battle of strength, with our blades locked. Trying to concentrate my efforts on my left hand, I grab my sword and take a slash at her neck, but it gets stuck in her neck before piercing anything vital, like this woman has an iron spinal cord or something. As I jerk my arm to try and dislodge my sword, my left hand slips and her dagger starts slicing through my arm, but since it isn't horribly sharp it just makes a small slice and the woman is able to yank my sword arm so it's pinned to my body. So there I am in this completely awkward fighting position with this woman, who has my right arm immobilized and a blunt dagger in my left arm. I look up to my mother's worried glance from across the room, a feeling of determination wells up inside of me like I was about to do the impossible. I look up into my alter ego's eyes, which are startingly grotesque with how much sick satisfaction she's getting from this, and next I know she starts sawing her dagger through my arm (IMMENSE PAIN), and just as I'm about to unleash my impossible feat on her butt, I wake up!
Haha the end! Yeah it was a crazy dream! The most graphic dream I've had in like a year...
The ladies had words like mentions, indicted, and I even got to use JEDI! Heck yes! Haha the true sign of a nerd. The boys on the other hand....cunt, n*ggers, farted, homo, wang, wop, and yeah....hahah like I said, we were playing against the boys. The ladies won by a measly 125 points, Huzzah!
LOL the guys are a lot of fun to hang around up here, but it does make a girl thankful for her own boys....I realized how much they tone it down for me. I love you guys!!!
............................................................................................................................................................................
Haha so on to my crazy dream!
I don't exactly remember how it started, but we were gearing up for war, and it was some medieval battle taking place in the modern world. I equipped myself with a dagger in the left hand and a short sword in the right, which is strangely similar to my D&D character...hmm. LOL, but my whole family plus others who I didn't know, but they were on our side, ride on horses through a forest (me with my dagger in hand at all times) to this parking lot with all these cars in it, because for some reason that's where we decided to make our stand.
We wait in silence, the anticipation building, and then all hell breaks loose! The enemies arrive in an explosion and the next thing I know a car and a ginormous plushy bounce house which was mostly deflated are flying in the air towards me and so I dive out of the way and greatly enough the cover I find myself under is a full gas truck....yeah brilliant. Thankfully it didn't explode upon impact, but it starts leaking. So I'm like drowning in gasoline and underinflated jumpy, struggling to get out. I finally am able to get out and then the enemy is upon me.
The first guy to approach me, I parry with my dagger and then slice off his head with my short sword. This was a very graphic head slicing. I remember feeling my sword break through his neck bones. Yeah pretty lovely. I fight off attacker after attacker and then see my mom and brother. I yell at them to fall back and so everyone ends up inside of a building which happens to be a launder mat. Yeah random I know. So we've barracaded ourselves behind washing machines at the front door. The enemy begins funneling through, which works to our advantage perfectly. Then out of the corner of my eye I notice a side door that everyone has overlooked and a few goons are coming through. They're easily dispatched, but in walks this woman in some really tough looking fighting leathers. She had two fighting daggers drawn and in the ready with a sick devious smile. I don't remember her face all that clearly, but she seemed to be my alter ego. A sick smirk came on her face as she was drawn to me.
She makes the first strike and slashes at me with her right dagger, which I block with my left and it becomes a battle of strength, with our blades locked. Trying to concentrate my efforts on my left hand, I grab my sword and take a slash at her neck, but it gets stuck in her neck before piercing anything vital, like this woman has an iron spinal cord or something. As I jerk my arm to try and dislodge my sword, my left hand slips and her dagger starts slicing through my arm, but since it isn't horribly sharp it just makes a small slice and the woman is able to yank my sword arm so it's pinned to my body. So there I am in this completely awkward fighting position with this woman, who has my right arm immobilized and a blunt dagger in my left arm. I look up to my mother's worried glance from across the room, a feeling of determination wells up inside of me like I was about to do the impossible. I look up into my alter ego's eyes, which are startingly grotesque with how much sick satisfaction she's getting from this, and next I know she starts sawing her dagger through my arm (IMMENSE PAIN), and just as I'm about to unleash my impossible feat on her butt, I wake up!
Haha the end! Yeah it was a crazy dream! The most graphic dream I've had in like a year...
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